Saturday, June 26, 2004

Self-Help

Lorrie Moore is a goddess.

"First, try to be something, anything, else. A movie star/astronaut. A movie star/missionary. A movie star/kindergarten teacher. President of the World. Fail miserably. It is best if you fail at an early age--say, fourteen. Early, critical disillusionment is necessary so that at fifteen you can write long haiku sequences about thwarted desire. It is a pond, a cherry blossom, a wind brushing against sparrow wing leaving for mountain. Count the syllables. Show it to your mom. She is tough and practical. She has a son in Vietnam and a husband who may be having an affair. She believes in wearing brown because it hides spots. She'll look briefly at your writing, then back up at you with a face blank as a doughnut. She'll say: 'How about emptying the dishwasher?' Look away. Shove the forks in the fork drawer. Acccidentally break one of the freebie gas station glasses. This is the required pain and suffering. This is only for starters."

I'll Have My Coffee Black, Hey Look We're Bombing Iraq..

You know what sucks? Nellie McKay's the newest big thing, but everyone's so frigging obsessed with Britney Whatsherface and Kevin Who-Knows and other celebrities undeserving of our time.

Pop culture's going gone down the drain.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Cut

I wish Blogger had like, a Cut option to posts. It'd be nice, like if I was posting a huge entry, I could have it so it just shows part of my post and then a "continue" link to the individual archive page where the whole post shows. Just an idea.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Thanks, FX

You know what really bugged me today? I was watching Say Anything, and right in the middle of the classic jukebox scene, it cuts to a commercial about freaking American Chopper. Really spoiled it for me.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

The Nothing Post

I don't really know what I'm blogging about right now. I don't have any bad stories to make fun of.. nothing really. Right now I'm at that stage where everything's in hyperdrive and moves so fast I don't have time to chronicle everything and besides, if I did, nothing seems to be happening around here.

One of my wishes is this blog could actually stand for something. I know it's because I'm an eleven year old and my thoughts aren't complex enough (actually yes, they are, but putting them online is like trying to recreate Mount Rushmore with toothpicks and clay. Something like that.) to be meaningful. This post is straight nothningness, so whoever actually reads this, I apologize.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Heaven

There is a Gmail LiveJournal community. Oh my.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Infomerical

I watched a really enteraining infomercial this morning. It was a twelve-disc "Legends" set with tons of old songs, and the ad was hosted by Roger Daltrey and some random woman. Hearing some of the songs made me wish I was in my thirties and forties so I could have been around when these songs were new.

Some bands today just depress me. Whatever happened to good music, you know, where people actually sang lyrics and not "I push my fingers in my eyes its the only way I can FEEEEEELLLL" with loud screechy voices? Or the music where you could really feel the heart and soul of the band?

Today any idiot can get signed to a label. I'm not insulting any bands out there (wait, yes I am. I'm just not naming any.), but listening to true rock of the '60s and '70s and then hearing the digitally altered crap of today makes me wonder what happened.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Doctor's Vist

Turns out I'm normal. Just kind of a freak of nature. I'm around where someone in their late teens and adulthood should be.

My pinky is numb.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Baptism

My little brother Sean had his baptism today. It was just so.. tear-inducing. I'm beyond proud of him.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Excuse Me?

This isn't exactly news, and it is rather late to be posting it, but David Hasselhoff should not rap. Ever.

MST 2

Title: Goodbye, Eric Forman
Author: Hah!
Summary: In my words: A bored incompetent seven year old writes a story. Eric is sad. Eric gets pills. Eric kills himself. I'm still not a very good MSTer. I'll get better. Remember, if you think I suck at this you're welcome to email if you want to help me.


Eric Forman was someone that no one truly knew. To many it was his friend Hyde who was the hard to read one. But Eric too had things he kept inside.For years he tryed to be the good son. Always trying to please his Mom and Dad. His Mother was kind but his Dad was ruff.

Whitey: Yeah, he was da ruff man.

No matter what Eric did he couldn't please him.

Judd: He could always....
Whitey: Eugh..
Judd:...try and learn proper English..
Whitey: No, the writer could.


Sometimes he thought his Dad never wanted him. Laurie was the favorite for unknown reasons. She did nothing but cause pain. No one truly knew how that hurt Eric. Eric had good friends. One of which was his girlfriend Donna. Donna was a good pal.

Whitey: ANVIL!!
Carter: An anvil is a point made repeatedly, just so you know.
Judd: I am Judd. I'm Whitey's owner. I am a third grader.
Carter: The dog was brown. It went woof. It barked.
Whitey: This story sucks. It is bad. Why does she/he/it write like this?

Her and Eric had ups and downs but Donna would always hold a special place in his heart. Kelso and Fez were other good friends. For as long as Eric could remember,Kelso had always been his silly friend who could make him laugh. Most of the time without even trying. Eric had not known Fez as long but they had become good friends. Ofton Fez would even share his candy with Eric when they were alone.

Then there was Steven Hyde. Hyde had been many things to Eric. A bodygaurd when they were little. A shoulder to lean all thru out the years.No one had a real grasp on Erics feelings,but Hyde was closer to it then the others. Hyde knew that Erics feelings were hurt by Red and Laurie even when he tryed to laugh it off. But there was one thing Hyde didn't know. He didn't know that Eric loved him. That Eric wanted to be more then Hydes friend. That sometimes when Hyde fell alseep on the couch, Eric would watch him. Just sit there and watch him sleep. Whishing he had the nerve to say what he felt.

But no,Eric Forman couldn't say it. So, on that cold gray morning, Eric gave in. He gave in to all the pain he felt. The pain of being unloved by his own Dad. If his own Dad couldn't love him,then how many people could? He gave in to the guilt of having Donna as a girlfriend when he really loved someone else.

So many times Eric would be kissing her and,feeling such guilt for only really wanting her as a friend. He decided that no one,not his family or friends,would ever really know what he felt. And sadly one special person would never understand his feelings for him. So Eric gave up. He didn't want to wake up to those feelings of pain ever again and he made sure he wouldn't. After taking some pills he had got from the medicance cabinet, he lay down to a sleep he would never wake from.

Goodbye Eric Forman.....


Judd: Bye Eric!
Carter: I won't miss you!
Whitey: Have a nice time!
Judd: You have know idea how much I appreciate the space bar right now.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

MTV Movie Awards Recap

The awards could have been so much better. Talented people could have won something. The trophies mean nothing, but at least a win for a celeb worthy of celeb status.

Since when is Omarion considered a breakout star? I guess he is, to the teen demographic. Oh yeah, now I remember, hez hawt cuz like You Got Served was sooooooooo the bst movie of da yeer! There will be a sequel to You Got Served. Why call it You Got Served 2? Why not.. Sorry America, You Got Served A Sucky Movie With A Lame Boy Band "Star" In It 2?

These awards mean nothing, but I wish Scarlett could have won something. Unlike Ho-han and her tween-market counterparts, she has talent, which you really don't see nowadays. I hope she wins something for Synergy (look it up on IMDB yourself) next year at maybe the Globes or Oscars.

Eminem, never dress up like Axl Rose. Again. Plus, I don't want to know the name of your band. I have the joy of knowing you and I don't want to hold hands. Your songs are not so slick. I do not want to suck any part of you, but I will be glad to kick all of you to the Moon.

I saw Farnsworth!

The Best Karaokeist

Who knew an eight year old could sing better than anyone in the whole restaurant? He sings a mean "All The Small Things" (during "Sing" by the Carpenters he started rapping. It was awesome.), plus he can do the worm. Some of these folks have Southern accents, and it's amazing to hear one. I have kind of a twang, but it's not like some of these bar-goers, meaning I can mock them without being hypocritical!

I just realized that I have never properly said Florida. No one I know can, it's always "Florda", "Forida", or "Forda". Hee. Any Floridians that pop up around here, can you pronounce our beloved home properly, or do you take my route and leave out letters? I'd kinda like to know.


I sang "Keep Fishin" by Weezer. I shouldn't sing ever again.

An MST should be coming up soon.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Greatest Video Ever

This is the greatest video, and song, ever.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Let It Commence

My first one!
Title: fez finds the perfect womanor does he!
Author: Kept secret.

OK, I'll introduce the characters who MST beforehand. Carter T. Roboto is a droid from Moder 27, a secret ship orbiting Pluto. Judd is human, sent up to Moder from the ISS to spy on the Moder astronauts and droids, but was caught and is now being forced to read bad fan fiction. The third MSTer is Whitey Malone, a female robot who hides out in the Mystery Science Fiction Theatre. Occasionally Prof. Melter and Bunsen, who are head of scientific studies in the Moder labs, drop into poke fun, along with Sal, Judd's second cousin twice-removed, who is also living in Moder. Lame, I know, I'll create a full story tonight.

I do not intentionally pick on authors who's writing skills aren't as good as they could. I try to randomize, and plus I pick a different genre (TV show) every time (though I do prefer T7S fic, I like switching) so really it's near impossible to just end up having the same author's stories on here. If you think I'm abusing someone in anyway shoot me an email or comment. Since this is my first, the riffing is very lame, but I promise it'll get better. Seriously.


Fez is sitting in the basement and Donna and Eric walk and Fez starts crying. Donna says ‘Fez what’s wrong?’ And Fez says ‘I’ll never get a girlfriend!!!’ Eric then says ‘no sweat, we’ll help you find the perfect woman’ Fez says ‘thanks but I don’t think there’s much hope for me, most girls don’t even like my smell’ Donna says ‘I no a lot of girls who would love to date you’ ‘Really!?’ says Fez

Carter: Stop! Where is the punctuation?
Judd (as author): I wunda wut dat skwigly line is neer da M!?!?! and wuts dat dot neer da skwigly line?!?!
‘A....no but who cares I’m sure there are people I don’t know like you’ says Donna ‘Ok ill take your word for it’ says Fez smiling at the same time Donna mumbles to Eric ‘it’s hopeless’ Eric nods and agrees. Kelso comes in with some non-brand fast food. ‘Hey anyone wants some’ says Michael his mouth full of food with sauce all around his mouth. ‘Err...I’ll pass’ says Eric ‘Ok more for me’ says Michael ‘Hey what’s up with fez?’ says kelso ‘Don’t ask’ says Eric Hey I no I’ll talk to some of my old girlfriends I bet there

Whitey: Their..there.. come on people, it's not that hard.

single-‘says Donna ‘And desperate’ interrupts Kelso ‘I’ll give some of them a call’ says Donna

Chapter 2 Donna helps Fez.

It’s the day after, well yesterday and Donna is reading a piece of paper. Fez walks in and Donna says; ‘rite I talked to one of my friends and she agreed to go on a date with you!’ ‘Oh really’ says Fez ‘I’m so excited what’s her name?’ ‘Her name is Jo’ says Donna ‘she’s got blond hair and blue eyes, last time I saw her she was great’ ‘ahhhhh’ fez sighs ‘after she sees me she’ll probably do something stupid like make herself ugly and pretend she has an overly heavy pro wrestler for a boyfriend’‘No she wont now you’re gonna pick her up at her house at 8.o’clock’ says Donna while handing Fez a piece of paper with Jo’s address on. ‘Ohhhh but what if she doesn’t like me? What if she thinks I’m weird?, what if she thinks I’m gay?’ says Fez ‘She wont’ says Donna ‘How do you know?’ says Fez ‘Well...she just, wont, trust me’ Donna says ‘ok, I’m so excited!, but oh no, oh no this is not good, my elbow is strangely more hairy than normal, it usually grows faster when something bad is going to happen, so that must mean-‘says fez ‘1st What? And 2nd ewwwww gross’ says Donna ‘Shut up!!

Judd: Exactly!

Can’t you see I’m hurting! Anyway something will go wrong on this date I just know it, it always does’ says Fez ‘Now listen trust me it won’t’ says Donna ‘Oh, ok but only coz you say so’ Fez says.


Chapter 3 the DATE!

So fez is stood outside Jo’s house and he’s really nervous when a man comes to the door and opens it. ‘Hello can I help you?’ said the man ‘Hello I’m-, wait how did you know I was at the door?’ says Fez ‘Coz I could hear you mumbling to yourself about your elbow and answering the door and a date and something else’ says the man ‘Oh well anyway I’m looking for Jo, my friend called and told her about me I’m Fez’ Fez says ‘Wait is your friend Donna?’ says the man 'Yeah....so’ says fez 'But you see I’m Jo' says that man 'but you can’t be Jo is the perfect woman for me according to Donna’ says fez 'Ohh I know I must've forgot to tell her,’ says the man 'Tell her what?' says Fez 'tell her that, I...I...I got a sex change!’

Carter: Yeah, nice lie. I have to tell you, I'm really a male, but I forgot to mention it. I mean, it's so hard to remember!
Whitey: Who tought this kid to write?
Judd: Probably the same guy who taught Jennifer Lopez how to act. I watched Gigli today. No human should ever have to go though the torture of seeing that.
Carter: Same with this story!

says Jo 'You forgot to tell her something like that?!' says Fez 'Well I didn’t mean to it just slipped my mind' says Jo 'So what do we do now' says Fez 'Well...if you want you can still come in' says Jo 'Why would you want me to come in?’ says fez 'Well the thing is I’m gay!’

Judd (as author): Lyk, i shuld mak a shoking plott twist!! Jo is gay!!

says the man 'Oh my god!' says Fez 'I no, I no, it’s hard to believe that someone as good-looking as me would be gay but its true’ says Jo 'So how about it?' says Jo smiling 'I...err.....cant g...gotta g...go to doctors apointment' says fez 'Oh don’t leave me please fez' says Jo 'I have to go and get the fungus removed from my foot'

Carter: That's a nice pick-up line. I have fungus on my toe, sexy, come on, let's go out! Or rather.. "I have influenza, let's make this happen."

says fez 'Ill call you....bi hey, nice ass!' says Jo The door slams in fez's face and he mumbles to himself 'I’m gonna kill Donna' he says angrily

Judd: Yes, let's massacre Donna.
Carter: We should try and get Gunnar Hansen to reprise his role.
Whitey: Maybe
Judd: Or Farrah Fawcett can burn down her house while she's in bed!
Carter: You know, how much bad fan fic is out there?
Whitey: You really want to know, Carter?
Carter: Lord, no.

MSTing Is Hard To Do

I'm still finding bad fan fic, but of course I have to read it, so don't expect (does anyone even read this?) an MST soon. Plus, there's the characters that MST it I'm still developing. Fun, but hard.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Great Idea

What if, instead of blogging about my blah life, I run an MST journal and make fun of bad fan fic? I could still keep track of my life on here, but MSTs dominate that. I think I'll do that.

You know, forget W's crazy thing about gays, J.Ho is ruining the sanctity of marriage.

The Movie

I saw The Day After Tomorrow with Mom. I think the theatre was like, trying to simulate the movie or something, it was freezing and it was incredibly windy. Good movie though.

Dream

Last night I had an interesting dream. It involved Ev, Jason, Biz, and Redbeard, and The Empire Strikes Back and That 70's Show.

It was weird.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Piracy

Mom and Nan are enjoying a pirated DVD of The Passion. It's kind of funny.

Soo..

When I blog, most of the time I don't know what to blog about. How do other great bloggers do it? I don't do anything interesting in my life. I don't work at some 9-to-5 place with lovely idiosyncratic workers. What do I do?

Maybe, Just Maybe

I can restart a blog (I had an old one I'd had over a year) without getting flustered and deleting it.